i'm trying to keep this blog updated. really, i am.

i woke up today feeling my least favorite emotion pressing down on my chest. it doesn't seem to want to relent at all, and i'm not that happy about it, as feelings like this tend to make me neurotic and entirely unable to get shit done. and believe me, i have a ton of shit to get done.

i wonder sometimes if i'm made for this world. i definitely don't mean that in as tragic a way as it sounds. maybe i should leave it there, though. that thought, i mean. not explore.

maybe analyzing should be left for books and papers and i should just stop thinking about my personal life and just go with it. unfortunately, the double edge to "just going with it" is that you don't tend to ask the questions needed to get all the suspicions and uncertainties out of your mind. because you're just going with it.

hahaha.

as much as i infinitely love people, i wonder if ultimately, my inherent detachment will sabotage everything. or maybe it's the fact that i tend to gravitate towards people who have detachment issues in some form as well. or maybe it's because i just don't express myself clearly enough. though i think that i do. i think it's all always obvious. gah.

i'm coming to terms with the fact that there is, in fact, a possibility that timing will not work in my favor, and whoever "he" happens to be at any given time might just never want me back. that's one of those things you're just not supposed to put out there, though, isn't it.

i try to make the previous sentiment less painful and more humorous by pointing out that He is suffering just as much as me because of this estrangement in that he is missing out on intense amounts of sex too...so eventually he'll hear the call and come around and it'll all work out just fine and i'll finally be able to express myself in all the ways i need to.

but really, seeing as i just don't understand...so much...

i think everyone needs to experience a seattle winter. and then the lifting that comes with a string of clear, sunny days such as those we've seen in the past week. whomptastic.

i guess the challenge i have to face right now is just to continue to feel all of this so intensely, and work through it, and keep that positive attitude i'm so well known for, and keep on top of all of my studying and paper writing and reading and lesson planning, and have faith that timing will eventually decide it likes me and lead me to learn and experience something i haven't thus far... and just try and stay true, despite days like this in which i just don't know who i am and feel like running the fuck away from everything.

instead of running, i think i'll go take a stroll around my lake. again. and listen to something...really good... while i do it. andmaybe i'll drink a smoothie first. i like those. and not just because the label says "naked," i swear. and then i'll power through, get the reading done for the lesson i need to plan, and start on yet another paper and try to keep my run of 4.0's for the quarter going.

yeah.