went eagle watching today.

i got to wander around by the river and get dripped on by old growth trees covered in moss that was glowing in the alien sun. i spent time with some of my dearest friends and got to talk about important things with the one man who is connected to the situation, and part of my family and connected to my soul in ways which can never be articulated but are unquestioningly understood by both of us. and i got to spend time with my littlest love, tromping around in her new hiking boots, dazzling and innocent and full of "uh oh’s" and "da’s!" and by far more wise than anyone i know.

i learned something the other night which is so amazing... but at the same time, i swear that the shock of it took me back to the beginning of this healing process. my heart was torn open again, but this time with thoughts of skulls impacting on granite at hundreds of miles an hour instead of loss and mourning and grief. oh, how my body and soul ache for all who witnessed that. i can’t even begin to comprehend how the violence of a scene such as that would change someone and haunt them. my expression of dispair in the early hours of the morning was by far the most raw and miserable that i have felt thus far. the impact of all of this, in 1,000 different ways, has truly reached farther than i could have ever fathomed. forget six degrees of seperation... I’ll search for three or four max from now on.

my life, and the connections which have consistently appeared as long as i can remember, can never be viewed as anything close to ordinary.