wow.

i just drove around for over an hour. listening to music and thinking. and i have to say i'm overwhelmed. and a tad bit emotional, but in a good way. oh boy. here come the tears.

so three and a half months ago i came to tucson for a 4 day visit. and now...3 months later, so much has changed. i have been through so much. i have this astrology book that says "aquarians travel farther in their minds in one day than most people do in a year." and i'm just really reminded of that right now.

*deep breaths*

it's hard to write about because my mind goes off in so many different tangents...but i guess there are a few things that come to the forefront of my mind these days.

the first is that now that i've gotten over the sting of realizing who my friends are, i see how lucky i am that all of this happened. why? because last night i brought out all of the cd's that have been sent to me over the past few months. there must be 50 shows. because i look around my room and see plants and toys and other trinkets that friends who couldn't be here have sent. i see video tapes sent to help me get through missing the gorge. i remember phone calls from shows and other weekly phone calls from people so persistant in making sure i was ok. i remember aden coming into my house the day i found out i had the 2 herniated discs,when i was a total mess, and giving me a huge hug and saying "come on girl. we gotta get you back up and going to shows," and how much that made me laugh. i remember jeremy just showing up with cookies and finding this incredible friend in him that i didn't know i had.. i remember megan taking cabs to get to wherever i was just so that she could use her crackhead ways to comfort me. i remember getting a box of carmel apples straight from seattle just because lisa and becky were walking by and thought of me. i remember the awakening i had when i realized i could truly trust nate, all the times he wouldn't let me get off the phone until i had stopped crying.

my point is that even though you hear it said so often that as you get older, your "good friends" get weeded out until only a few really true friends are left. if that's the truth, i am so fucking lucky. so many people have done so many amazing things for me in the past few months, no matter what the distance. i'm so thankful for that. i can be a very difficult person to be friends with at some times, i think. i can shut down and keep to myself when things get bad, so much so that few people even know there's anything wrong. i've had to reach out for people quite a few times during this whole thing, and there is nothing i find more difficult than that - i HATE "bothering" people. and i've realized that the people who i've lost...well, it would've happened at some point or another, because i've noticed the inconsistencies in those relationships even before this happened. and that's ok.

it's been a long time since i've really felt anything. sure, there have been moments where i've caught myself dancing through the house on a natural high, but this is me we're talking about. i've been so full of life the past few years - on a full time high, be it at work or play, and to go from that to being completely numb was strange. before i left seattle back in july, i was so looking forward to moving back here and sharing that love of life with my friends - little did i know i wouldn't be coming back on my terms, and that all the things i wanted to share would be a little harder to dredge up.

god, it's been really really difficult. i've been through a lot. but i think i've managed the stress really well. and i have remembered to laugh. a lot.

i've had some really good times as of late, because when i go out with my friends there ain't no way in hell i'm taking my troubles with me - i'm out to laugh and have a good time and get away from all that. but then this last weekend...i just really felt like myself again(well, myself with a little more pain). wednesday night's hockey game was amusing, and it was so nice to just go out and talk to people afterwards. thursday night at the shanty was wonderful because bobbo was there and because everyone was in such good spirits.

and then friday night...i can't even explain it. i was just seeing the world through my "old eyes." i just wanted to walk around giving people hugs - before i even started drinking. jack was there. i fell into great conversations with people. kim and i talked about a lot of things that i knew only she would understand. brian and jeremy playing guitar in kristy's room...definitely the hilight for me. having ridiculous run ins throughout the night with one of kristy's work friends who i refer to as "kitchen boy" and who refers to me as "trouble." it was a really good night.

then saturday night...mini freakfest in my very own home. feeling the love even more than the night before(perhaps this is the result of beer vs. wine?). megan and i couldn't stop dancing. we listened to gorge nights 2 and 3, and i couldn't even help but yelling and clapping after some songs. just for the hell of it. once again, having bobbo around was fantastic. and jack. and just...feeling like myself again.

and i know the next two weeks are going to be very reflective for me. all i can think to say to mel when i see him is "what the fuck just happened?" i haven't seen him and lisa since their wedding. and i can't wait to give them hugs. i can't wait to hear mel giving me shit when i do go all emotional and girlie on his ass. and to hear lisa spazzing out about her students. and to drive over the bridge to their house, and just...get some kind of closure to that period of my life.

because things here are going to be ok.