as i was headed out the door tonight, i was struck with this really strange gut feeling. it was very powerful. and i knew that i had to head to a certain bar to see if he was there. i knew he would be. i can't even describe this feeling, but lord knows i've felt similar things when it comes to him before. fuck...it's been 8 years now. 8 years of dreams and coincidences and knowledge of when i'd see him. and as i drove down to the girls house, i knew that i had to follow through with this so that i could stop second guessing myself and stop passing these things off as coincidences.

walked into the house and told jane that i needed her to go to this bar with me, and that there was a chance we'd just walk in and look around and then leave. but i didn't know. and she got up and started getting ready.

the radio was on, and a song by his favorite band came on. and i knew he'd be there.

so we walked into the bar, headed out towards the patio, and 8 years of dreams and coincidences were completely validated.

i wish i could verbalize this better.

after my last flub seeing him a month or so ago, when i brushed him aside and then it ate at me for days afterwards, i knew i couldn't leave without talking to him.

it took a while. but then nancies came on, and he got up to go to the bathroom. i called him over on his way back.

and i'll try to just take it for what it was. it was brief. he was nervous as all get out. he had his hand in his pocket, and was clutching his leg. he also has a horrible habbit of spitting when he's nervous. found out there's been some trouble in his family this past week, and that he's not doing too well right now. found out he's had a girlfriend for the past two years. got his phone number.

and...i just feel so at peace right now. i feel so much better. i'm so glad i followed through with this instinct. i knew he'd be at this bar. i just fucking knew it. no outside influences. it just came to me and i knew i had to go.

now i'll probably wait a few months to call. cuz that's just the way it works. who knows, maybe he didn't even give me his real number. but whatever. it was enough for me to get a sense of him now rather than 2 years ago. or 5 years ago. maybe my brain is just playing games with me. but our history is just riddled with strangeness. i've never heard of anything like it, let alone experienced anything like it.

i'm so glad jane went with me.

heh. and wouldn't let me leave the 10000 times i wanted to.

he's grown up. he's shed his tall and skinny frame and has filled out quite nicely. he seems very secure and strong and despite the nervousness(hell, i was shaking when i was programming the number into my phone).

well.
i just checked my phone.
and apparently the number didn't get saved.

that's interesting.

wow.

just...wow.

fuck me.